In light of the criticism you are getting from the concerned nations of the world, we, the concerned of Canada, have decided to do our part and participate in this massive verbal stoning you so rightfully deserve. Our concerns will be expressed in the following points.
Give Jim Carrey an Oscar. He’s done enough quality films to compensate for the Ace Ventura movies and Dumb and Dumber. Nicolas Cage did a lot of bad movies in his early years and nobody’s penalized him. Its time to honour this Canadian star with the recognition he deserves.
In fact, a lot of Canadians are ashamed she hasn’t faded into obscurity like the bulk of your obnoxious pop stars. If you want a better point of reference, rent The Barbarian Invasions. Keep Celine Dion in Las Vegas, or send her back to Quebec where we can keep her under house arrest and force her to answer all her fan mail.
Tell your armies that it is NOT okay to slaughter Canadian soldiers when our country spares what little military resources we have in order to help you.
In 2001, Canada showed its support to the United States by contributing troops and soldiers to your efforts in Afghanistan. During that time, your army killed four of our soldiers, needlessly and without reason. We did not get one word of apology or prayer (an act we know you’re so fond of) for the soldiers’ families. You should have been on your knees licking our Canadian Bacon, but you hid like an arrogant coward and let the Pentagon take the heat. As the leader of the army that murdered our people without cause, you are just as responsible for their deaths.
We regret to inform you that the botox injections you received in an attempt to look younger have failed miserably. Talk to another plastic surgeon; you look like Brian Mulroney’s* corpse.
*(In the off chance that you’re not as smart as you say you are, he’s the Prime Minister that opened free trade between Canada and the United States; look it up)
We are very sorry you have Parkinson’s disease. We are also very sorry that you renounced your Canadian citizenship in the rudest, most asinine fashion you could think of. I can’t speak for the rest of Canada, but good luck getting medical attention in Quebec; TRAITOR!
We appreciate your idealistic portrayals of Canada. However, on behalf of the other nine provinces, Ontario is NOT the only barometer of Canadian culture. Would it kill you to travel to Quebec, Alberta, British Columbia, or Nova Scotia? Or are you too busy spending money on bad sources for your next documentary? You need to learn that there is more to Canada than a bunch of self righteous Torontonians! Buy a fucking plane ticket!
You’re the first American to be informed enough to make real critiques of our country! You are also one of the first political commentators to know who our Prime Minister is, what type of currency we have, which of our cities have the most cultured people (with the exception of Toronto; they suck!) and the first to recognize that we are a bilingual country. On top of all this, your are the first Yankee who can insult us in both official languages, and you’re accent isn’t too horrific.
Keep up the good work.
You’re not fooling anyone with that comb-over. You are bald and ugly –accept it.
We recognize that the only way you can make a buck is by making bad movies with even worse jokes. Nonetheless, your portrayal of Canadians in Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo was completely inaccurate. First of all, our people wouldn’t be running amok in the streets, high on pot. Marijuana is practically legal in Canada, and most of us have developed a tolerance by age 18. There’s a reason Americans like to be mistaken for Canadians abroad; you’re the ones who shit on the street, and act like idiots at every opportunity. Here in Canada, our tendency to say please, thank you, sorry, (and not invade countries at the slightest provocation) has given us a good reputation. Maybe its time to follow our example and learn some fucking manners!
We Canadians find it particularly sad that country that has such relatively harmless items like New York steak, Idaho potatoes, and Boston clam chowder as their national dishes have an obesity problem. As you know, Canada’s national dishes include Canadian bacon, Sausage, Maple Syrup, Beaver Tails (that’s a pastry you perverts!), and of course that gravy, French fry, and cheese concoction we call Poutine. These are foods that would give any doctor heart attack; and despite these high fat items, obesity in Canada is nowhere near as bad. Our country is cold, so cold in fact that even in a beautiful port city like Montreal we have to tread through fifty feet of snow, ice, and razor sharp winds to get to our cars in the winter. Under the circumstances, it would seem perfectly logical to have an extra layer of blubber to shield us from the cold. You Americans are blessed with a temperate climate (the majority anyway).
You have no excuse to be fat.
1) When you declared independence in 1776 you gave up everything British. You kicked out the Loyalists, and gave up the flag and the system of government. It is for this reason that we cannot understand why you are the last country on earth to use the BRITISH Imperial Standards of measurement. That’s right; that system of inches, yards, feet, miles and degrees Fahrenheit that you love so much, is of British origin. Even Canada, a country that still holds Queen Elizabeth as our De Jure head of state, has given this system of measurement up. Your country is founded on a hatred of the English, tea and crumpets, cricket, and the Union Jack. Do you want to do something on July 4th that is true to the spirit of independence day? Go wild! Go metric! And give up that final tie that keeps you as cronies to the Old British Empire.
2) We can’t for the life of us figure out why there is discrepancy in the ages in which an American citizen can serve in the army, and when they can buy beer and pornography. As members of a country with a history of participation in world wars, and a growing pornography industry, we find it troubling that your youth can be sent overseas to kill, maim, torture, rape and burn villages in foreign countries most of you can’t spell, but you won’t let them chug a beer or look at a some pictures of naked women. Last we checked, military service is a far greater responsibility than choosing whether or not to get drunk and masturbate to naughty pictures.
Don’t you hate it that the world’s greatest and most well known country music star, Shania Twain, comes from Canada? Doesn’t it bother you that Garth Brooks sucks? Doesn’t it GRATE on your nerves that you, the inventors of country music, haven’t had a major hit in years? Ha, ha, sucks to be you!
You know Pamela Anderson? That blonde bombshell you masturbate to every night? She’s Canadian too.
Do you want to get married? Do you want the same rights of inheritance and cohabitation as any other couple?
You have ten lovely provinces to choose from. We would strongly advise staying out of Alberta. It was founded by your fellow Americans, and is not the most gay friendly province in confederation. You are less likely to be gay bashed here. In Canada (I got this information from the mouth of Former Justice Minister Martin Cochon) gay couples have all the rights of heterosexual couples. In the province of Quebec, you even have the right to marry.
You are welcome in Canada so long as you pay your taxes.
It’s time for a shot of realism. ABSTINENCE ONLY teaching doesn’t work. Censoring textbooks because they have pictures of vaginas, and refusing to teach proper sexual health, contraception, and STD prevention is only going to encourage ignorance. Ignorance is dangerous. Read any report; they’ll all tell you the same thing. In areas where abstinence teaching is most effective, teenagers turn to alternatives to vaginal intercourse. No, I’m not talking about holding hands, or reading the Bible. I’m talking about things like oral sex and anal sex —wait, I’m sorry, you probably have no idea what those things are. I’ll put it in a language you understand. In areas where abstinence teaching is most effective, teenagers will turn to things like sodomy (a Biblical sin), and the kissing, sucking, and licking of a person’s genitals.
We are a species designed by God, the Big Bang, or some mound of space dust lucky enough to stick together, to have sex. As long as people have genitals, they’re going to want to have sex, in marriage and outside of it, in various positions, and with various toys. You can legislate, preach ignorance and live in denial that people will stop having premarital sex just because you tell them to OR, you can take a pragmatic approach; an approach taken in a lot of Canadian schools. You can tell them abstinence is the best means of contraception and STD protection; but in the off chance that they choose to have sex, GIVE THEM OPTIONS. Tell them about condoms, and the pill, and Norplant, and spermicide, and STDs. Feel free to live in your little fantasy world where people read the Bible, go to church every Sunday, and engage in sexual relations in the missionary position in the confines of marriage once a year for the sake of procreation. However, for the future of your country, wake up, smell the sex, and empower your teenagers with the knowledge that will spare them all the horrors you associate with the act of love.
In 1812, President Madison invaded Canada. In response, we Canadians burned the White House to the ground. Your history books say the Loyalists did it. What they don’t tell you is that those Loyalists, the ones who fled the US after you declared independence and open season on fans of the English crown in 1776, were the same ones who founded English Canada. In short, the last time the United States tried to conquer us, we sent you home with your tails between your legs. Accept it!
Sincerely,
The Young Irate Intelligentsia of Canada
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