Biting Back

After living a year and a half with dog-crazy people, I have fresh rant.

I am sick to death of North America’s obsession with dogs.

I wake up every fucking morning to the pathetic, sniveling, sounds of someone cooing to what in the third world is essentially a food animal.

Hundreds of thousands of dollars are wasted on dogs every year. People everywhere are buying designer food, clothing, and days at the spa to groom these selfish, stinky animals.

Yes, selfish!

Despite this delusion that dogs actually LOVE us, the reality is that they don’t live for love.

Like all animals they live for FOOD.

A dog only cares about you because you know where the food is and can always get more. They dole out nauseatingly affectionate licks, because they know that eventually you’ll go “aw” and give them either the gourmet stuff, or a share of your own meal that you earned by actually working.

Unlike cats, which can be taught to use the toilet and are naturally prone to hunting irritating rodents, dogs do nothing to earn their keep.

In the old days, dogs were kept for two reasons: hunting, and keeping fleas off of aristocrats who refused soap and water for “health reasons”. They were kept on the lap of smelly people so the fleas would jump off of them and onto the dogs, hence the term “lapdog”.

Nowadays dogs don’t serve any purpose. People bathe, and hunting isn’t the popular and necessary pastime it used to be.

In spite of this, we feed them, give them free lodging, and will even pick up their feces for them. We give them free vasectomies and hysterectomies, giving them the freedom to fuck whichever dog they want without consequences. When they get too old, we euthanize them, a service we can’t even provide to our loved ones when they ask for it.

I know I’m replaying an old Seinfeld bit, but if I were an alien observing this relationship, I’d wonder who was really in charge.

I say that this obsession is not only pathetic, it’s fucking stupid.

The only role dogs should have in our society is sniffing out avalanche victims, guiding the blind, pulling dog sleds, and chewing on violent criminals.

I won’t give a dime to any dog-related charity, and I won’t help a homeless person with a dog unless I know for sure they’re blind.

As far as I’m concerned, if you can afford to feed a dog, you can afford to feed yourself.

Get rid of the dog, and you’ve earned my change, or better yet, EAT IT! If you’re so hard up, remember: there are several good sized steaks in a medium sized dog, and your compatriots in the developing world wouldn’t hesitate.

We need to get over this society wide love for what is essentially a stupid, greedy and selfish animal.

I am fed up with the sniveling sounds, and don’t get me started on the dog shit.

Enough is enough.

-Samantha R. Gold

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