CHEWING THE FAT

I spent Labor Day weekend wandering the streets of Quebec City.

It was easy enough to get over the impossibility of finding a restaurant when my stomach was being turned upside down by the flabby thighs, man breasts, and big fat asses of American and Canadian tourists.

I’m all for accepting one’s body type.

I applaud Dove for their Campaign for Real Beauty, which features women young and old, heavy and thin, in confident poses, allowing us to see their beauty and appreciate our own. I appreciate the efforts of the National Association for Fat Acceptance that works to prevent discrimination against heavy people.

As a busty Asian chick with love handles, I know that people come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. I am sick to death of the cookie cutter mentality of our media that features big breasted women with toothpick bodies and fish lips.
When it comes to eating, I say eat when you’re hungry, stop when you’re content, and try to limit the sweets and deep fried stuff.

I am fucking sick of the obesity crisis.

And yes, it’s a crisis.

I did the homework.

According to Statistics Canada, the obesity rate in Canada has doubled since the late 70s. In the States, the numbers are even worse. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, there are over seven states with an obese population of over 30 percent.

On my trip to Florida a few years back, I was shocked by the amount of hefty people I saw. There were entire families who couldn’t go to the beach because Greenpeace would try to shove them into the ocean in their attempt to save the whales.

North Americans have gotten so bloody fat the obese are now walking around with a deluded sense of entitlement. Fat people are suing McDonalds for making them fat and the obese are demanding extra seats on airplanes to accommodate their super sized asses!

It is getting ridiculous!

I understand that there are people out there with self esteem issues that turn to food as their only means of comfort. I know that most cannot afford therapy to get over it. I know that thyroid problems, heredity, medication, and various illnesses contribute to obesity.

But I don’t believe that all obese people have psychological disorders and thyroid problems.

Which means that they are eating too much and exercising too little.

Doesn’t anybody have any self control anymore?

Whatever happened to recognizing when you’ve had enough and cutting down?

Frankly, I don’t think anyone deserves a free seat on a plane unless they’ve got medical documents supporting a thyroid problem or other such illness.

Otherwise, it’s time to cut down on the twinkies and try to get a little exercise!

I know we live in a couch potato world, but when lying on your ass stuffing your face is putting you at risk for diabetes, strokes and heart disease, you need to start thinking about a compromise.

Try doing sit ups or jumping jacks during commercial time, or going for a walk.

A little does a lot.

I’m no fitness nut, and I know that given my body type, most heavy people will probably tell me to fuck myself.

But tough shit, this is my column!

I am not saying people should emulate the anorexic looks of beloved celebs like Nicole Kidman and Gwyneth Paltrow (for the record I HATE these vapid, expressionless blondes, but I know media magazines make them out be heroes).

I am saying find out what your weight and body shape is, and work from there.

I wouldn’t figure it out from online information, because they’re often based on objective standards for weight to height ratios, all too often neglecting things like bone structure, muscle mass, breast, and pelvic size. I probably have no idea what I’m talking about but I figure you can calculate your “normal” weight by averaging your post puberty adult weight at your thinnest, with your adult weight at your heaviest. If you have had eating disorders throughout your life, you’re better off using the BMI standards cited below.

Obesity is defined as having a Body Mass Index or BMI over 30.

To calculate your BMI by dividing weight in pounds (lbs) by height in inches (in) squared and multiplying by a conversion factor of 703. BMI is the standard used by fitness experts, and according to my friend the personal trainer, it doesn’t take into account muscle mass, so use this method carefully.

And be practical.

If you have large boobs, childbearing hips, or are extremely tall, chances are you weren’t meant to be a size two.

Exercises aside, try to eat healthier; though don’t start cutting portion sizes unless recommended by a healthcare professional.

Want to eat healthier to lose weight but don’t like healthy foods?

There are a lot of recipe websites that offer tasty ways of prepping otherwise icky ingredients, and will usually cite the number of calories per serving. I myself don’t like beets, but I discovered that I can eat them if they’re grated into a salad. Try to avoid things with lard, deep fried egg batter, and copious amounts of butter and heavy cream.

And there are foods that make you feel fuller with fewer calories.

Such foods include cabbage, eggs, potatoes, white fish, vegetable or chicken broth, pickles, and apples.

If your kids are obese, I can’t speak for the States, but I know the Canadian government is offering to reimburse parents part of the bill for enrolling their kids in extracurricular fitness activities. Ask your local gyms and karate schools if they qualify. Some schools will even provide the forms.

Before I finish, I just want to add one more thing.

Whether you’re a Goth, a Geek, a Prude, Hippy, Hussy, or Girly Girl, I think you should dress however you want.
I make one exception.

If you’re clinically obese…

CUT DOWN ON THE SPANDEX!

IT’S FUCKING GROSS!

And I’m not the only one who thinks so.

My friends of all shapes and sizes have expressed their revulsion at the sight of cellulite squeezed, like overstuffed sausages, into hot pants, belly tops, and Speedos.

Stay away from the stretch pants! Drop the hot pants and short shorts! Put down the belly shirts, and throw the speedo in the garbage!

I don’t know why they squeeze into these clothes, but whether it’s denial, comfort, or laziness, it’s time to stop it.
In hot weather, try a lightweight dress or pants made of linen or cotton. I guarantee it will make you more comfortable and seem thinner.

If you wear these things to prevent chafing, please put something over them, even if it’s a thin something.

And MEN, if you have a gut, PLEASE stop wearing speedos!

It is beyond disgusting!

If your gut is so big you can’t see your genitalia, you’re too big to wear a speedo.

Leave them to professional swimmers and divers.

The world will thank you for it.

Love your shape, but treat it well.

You deserve nice clothes, good food, and endorphin producing exercise.

May we all eat well, dress well, and live well for the next hundred years.

And may we remember that nobody looks good in spandex.

Amen.

-Samantha R. Gold