People Who Piss Me Off

Ladies and Gentleman,

Here is, for your reading pleasure, a whole new list of people and things that piss me off!

Enjoy!

PEOPLE WHO WON’T PICK UP THEIR DOG SHIT

People, when you buy a dog, you accept all the responsibilities that come with owning it.

That means keeping it clean, making sure it gets all its shots, feeding it, and if necessary, getting it spayed or neutered.

This INCLUDES picking up the dog’s shit.

In most cities, not picking up one’s dog shit will result in a hefty fine of approximately 200 dollars. This, however, DOES NOT act as enough of a deterrent for those SELFISH, LAZY, INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLES who won’t pick up their dog shit! If it were up to me, anyone caught three times not picking it up would automatically have their dog confiscated by municipal authorities, at which point they would have one week to pay the cumulative fines for their actions or the dog would be destroyed. It sounds harsh, but if I step in one more mound of dog shit because some lazy son (or daughter) of a bitch (no pun intended) has not accepted all the responsibilities of dog ownership, I am going to open fire on a dog park.

PRINCESS DI ENTHUSIASTS

I am not, nor have I have I ever been, personally against the late Diana, Princess of Wales.

I recognize that she led a hard life, endured a miserable sham of a marriage, and did great things for charities worldwide.

That, however, is where the buck stops for ol’ Sammy.

I hate to break to all you Anglophilic bleeding hearts, BUT PRINCESS DI IS DEAD!

That’s right, folks, she is DEAD, and no amount of lame ass documentaries, magazine specials, tribute concerts by washed up musicians, or pathetic speeches by drug addicted celebrities is going to bring her back!

SHE IS DEAD, GET OVER IT AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIVES!

HARRY POTTER FANS

I KNOW this one is going to make me unpopular, but I don’t care.

I recognize that as a result of intelligent marketing, J.K. Rowling’s books have increased international literacy by astounding rates. Somehow or other, she has single handedly created an almost narcotic addiction to her story via the avatar of the downtrodden Harry Potter.

I hate to break it to you, but this particular story, stripped down to its bare essentials HAS BEEN DONE TO DEATH!

There is absolutely NOTHING original about Harry Potter.

It is as follows: poor downtrodden boy, a joke at school, suddenly finds out he has special powers and a divine mission.

You don’t believe me?

Ok, let’s look at a few other stories.

SUPERMAN: He is an orphan, a four eyes, and a joke at school. In his teen years he discovers he has special powers, and upon discovering the spaceship in which he was sent to earth, finds out that he has a responsibility to save humanity from itself.

SPIDERMAN: Poor downtrodden orphan boy. He is a four eyes, and a joke at school, despite his intelligence. One day, by a series of chance events, he gains superhuman powers and learns that with great power comes great responsibility. Through this lesson, he too learns to fight for the greater good.

KING ARTHUR: King Arthur starts off as a scrawny, downtrodden kid being raised by an old, condescending wizard. One day, he pulls a sword from a stone and finds out he is destined to be England’s greatest king.

I could go on, but I think you’re getting the general idea.

The hero is always white, and always male.

Fans of the story will argue that Hermione overcomes the sexist aspect of the books, because of her superior intelligence.

I don’t buy it, because J.K. Rowling did what every other youth author and film maker has done. She didn’t have the courage to make a female lead, so she overcompensated by surrounding the stereotypical male hero with token women i.e. The Black Cat to Spiderman, Storm to Cyclops, Lois to Superman.

Once again, you might argue that sure it’s a tired story line, but at least it got people reading. Well, guess what?

So did comic books!

The only difference is that Harry Potter comes in the form of a chapter book, making it more palatable to teachers and anal retentive parents.

If it got my kid to read, I’d buy him a copy of Playboy.

For now, give me a strong, courageous, female, non-white, MAIN CHARACTER hero, and I will read it, and gladly push it on my kids.

PARIS HILTON

I don’t give a shit if she remains the stupid spoiled whore that she IS or whether she has really found religion and will start giving copious amounts of money to charity.

I JUST WANT HER OFF MY TV, OUT OF MY MAGAZINES AND MOVIES, AND HER PRODUCTS OFF MY STORE SHELVES!

THE GREATEST THING THAT LAZY, AIR-HEADED, NO-TALENT, BOTTLE-BLONDE CRACKER WHORE CAN DO IS DISAPPEAR FROM THE PUBLIC EYE.

I recognize that I am being a hypocrite by writing about her, but this has to be said.

This woman does nothing for society but take up fucking space.

Tell me, what purpose does she serve?

When has she ever done anything for anyone but herself?

And I’m sorry, but court-ordered community service doesn’t count.

Why is the media so obsessed with her?

Because she’s blonde? Stupid? Promiscuous? Rich?

It’s not because she has talent, for as dozens of comedians have pointed out: she can’t act, she can’t model, she can’t sing, and if you’ve ever seen her infamous sex video, she can’t fuck either.

Some argue that she overcompensates for her “issues” by coveting media attention

BULLSHIT!

What issues could this woman possibly have? The bitch grew up RICH, and white, and thin, with every opportunity at her disposal to get an education and do something worthwhile.

Instead, she is arrogant, proud of her stupidity and promiscuity, and a disgrace to women everywhere because of it.

In my humble opinion, the bitch should have stayed in jail.

Being left to rot, unnoticed in prison, forced to wash some bull dyke’s boxer shorts everyday for the next few years might teach her some fucking humility.

SAUDI ARABIA

Saudi Arabia is perhaps one of the biggest hypocrisies of our time.

The United States went into Afghanistan to take down terrorists, and liberate the women from the cruel and hateful Taliban regime. They went into Iraq, using a combination of excuses, including chemical weapons, dictatorship, and women’s rights.

And yet the United States continues spread their ass cheeks to Saudi Arabia.

To all you Americans, here’s a shot of reality.

ALMOST EVERY AL QAEDA LEADER HAS COME OUT OF SAUDI ARABIA

Fifteen of the nineteen men who committed the attacks on September 11th, 2001, were from Saudi Arabia.

OSAMA BIN LADEN IS FROM SAUDI ARABIA.

If there is one country that breeds hatred towards North America in the form of people willing to blow themselves up in the name of a Utopia where women are slaves, and executions are brutal and arbitrary, it is Saudi Arabia.

In Saudia Arabia, women are minors for life. They can’t drive cars, they can’t vote, and they aren’t permitted to go anywhere without a male escort. Honour killings, the practice of murdering a woman for “dishonouring” the family is common place, as is female genital mutilation, characterised most often by the amputation of the clitoris.

Recently, a woman was gang raped in Saudi Arabia. Did the government punish the offenders? No, of course not! It was HER fault for being raped (please note the IMMENSE sarcasm) because she was out with a male who wasn’t a member of her family. The court sentenced her to lashes, when it should have sentenced her attackers to being neutered with rusty razors. It was only thanks to pressure from political candidates in the states, trying to gain favour during the primaries, that her sentence was suspended.

If you’re gay, or even believed to be gay, you’re dead, end of story.

The executions are carried out with swords, stones, and blunt objects.

Aside from its alliance with the U.S., it is the terrorist paradise.

Of all the countries on America’s hit list for human rights violations, Saudi Arabia should be on top of the list, but it isn’t.

The West, which we loud for the freedoms it has given us, turns a blind eye to the horrors committed by a country where nearly every man could use a female Mossadh agent or Korean Kickboxer to teach them some respect for humanity, of which females make up the majority.

But our governments don’t do a damned thing… all in the name of obtaining cheap fossil fuels.

It’s fucking disgusting!

VANDALS

About ten or twenty years ago, an American kid in Singapore was caned (meaning beaten with a stick) for spray painting cars. The kid was the son of an American diplomat, and a result, the event received outstanding media coverage.

Letters flooded into Singapore from all over the world, and would you like to know what they said?

The kid got EXACTLY what he deserved.

And I concur.

I am not against freedom of expression.

If I was, I wouldn’t be shooting my mouth off at every opportunity via the column before you.

BUT I make one exception, and that’s with regards to vandalism.

I am sick to death of walking the streets seeing public monuments like the UN statue in Montreal’s Lionel Groulx metro station violated with some moron’s spray paint.

You want to express yourself by spraying on your initials or some stupid logo or “tag”?

DO IT TO YOUR OWN STUFF!

NOT TO MINE, AND NOT TO THE PUBLIC’S!

I guarantee that not one of them appreciates you fucking up their shit, and every single one of them would gladly pick up a cane and beat you themselves.

Vandalism is stupid, and pointless.

All it does is piss people off.

Why we haven’t imported the Singapore penalty for vandalism is beyond me, because I guarantee that after a medically supervised caning, no one would consider violating someone else’s property.

BULLIES

When I say Bully, I am not strictly referring to those ass wipes in school that are beating up on innocent children, but I will attack them first.

I’m not going to go into reasons for bullying, because frankly, they don’t matter.

The classic example of bullying is as follows.

Kid #1 suffers from shyness, and as a result, has few friends.

Kid #2, not necessarily bigger or stronger, sees that kid #1 is alone, and as a result, makes for a perfect victim.

Kid #2, without knowing anything about Kid #1, starts spreading rumours, poisoning his many friends against his chosen victim.

Suddenly, Kid #1 is being teased, whispered about, and is receiving death threats. His locker is vandalised, his property is stolen, and he gets the crap beaten out of him. Maybe these kids corner him in the gym locker room and pee on him; maybe they knock out his teeth, poison his food, or steal his lunch money.

The trauma fucks Kid #1 up for life and the worst Kid #2 gets is suspension or possibly expulsion from school.

Does that sound like justice to you?

I think not.

BULLYING CONSISTS OF CRIMES LIKE THEFT, ASSAULT, ASSAULT WITH A DEADLY WEAPON, EXTORTION, ATTEMPTED MURDER, and INCITING A RIOT.

IF AN ADULT COMMITTED SUCH CRIMES, HE WOULD GO TO JAIL.

BULLIES SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE CRIMINALS.

THEY SHOULD GO TO JAIL FOR THEIR CRIMES JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

Unfortunately, the only time they do is when their victim dies.

People could prevent the amount of harm they do by treating them like the animals that they are, and punishing them accordingly.

That being said, bullying doesn’t just happen in school.

It happens at home and in the workplace.

An older sibling who beats on a younger sibling is a bully.

A gym teacher who forces a kid with incontinence to jump up and down is also a bully, as is a husband who takes out his frustration by insulting and physically abusing his wife and children.

Bullying, as I see it, is when one person abuses someone who is at some disadvantage, either because they are physically smaller or larger, have fewer friends, or have something, such as outstanding intelligence, that sets them apart. In the case of a bullied family member, the disadvantage lies in their love for the bully, and is often the reason they take the abuse.

Bullies can’t win in fair a fight, which is why they target people who are smaller, or come at them in gangs. In an even match, most bullies would be on the ground, bleeding, where they belong.

Unfortunately, people still dismiss bullying as kids being kids, and life being hard.

Until people realise that bullying is criminal behaviour and that bullies should be jailed for their crimes the problem will persist.

And if you’re still feeling indifferent, here’s some additional food for thought.

A lot of school shootings are committed by, guess who, the former victims of bullies, who were so traumatised by the abuse that they took it out on the world, and themselves.

–Samantha R. Gold