Pornographic Neuroses

Every other week, I open up the newspaper to find some woman bitching because she found out her husband watches porn.

These women are worried.

They think they’re husband or boyfriend might be cheating on them, or that their men are sexual deviants, or that they’ll be held to ridiculous sexual standards based on what is featured in popular pornography.

Some will even go insofar as to claim their man is a porn addict.

It’s time to calm down.

First of all, deny it until you are blue in the face, but whether in a relationship or not, 90% of us masturbate, and most of us don’t do it to images of our significant others. Your guy masturbating to porn is about as innocent as you imagining Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp while you work yourself into orgasmic oblivion.

It’s not cheating.

It’s also good to remember that masturbation is healthy.

Masturbation reduces the risk of prostate cancer. I’m not saying that you should start pushing porn on your guy in order to increase his life span; I’m just saying that you’d be an idiot to come down on him like some puritanical bitch because you found out what he masturbates to.

Unless he’s looking at something illegal like kiddy porn, there is no cause for alarm.

Porn is made to look good for the camera, not to bring the actors pleasure. That’s why the “tongue wriggling” method of cunnilingus doesn’t work, and why most women don’t really scream or spread themselves that way during “real” sex. It’s also why women don’t always spend hours on their hair and make up for the sake of a quick romp with their hubbies that will probably mess it all up. The way the average Joe screws is very different than what you see in porn, and most people have the common sense to know that.

If he’s lousy in bed because he’s been taking his lessons from a porno movie, grow a backbone and guide him in the right direction.

If he starts preferring the porn to you, or insists on watching it every time you do the nasty, you can start worrying. It’s time to drag him aside for a little chat. If all else fails, dump his ass. You can do a hell of a lot better.

If it hasn’t gone that far, back off.

Your man is not a pervert or a deviant or a porn addict because he occasionally indulges in porn.

He is a guy with a healthy interest.

Treating himself to the occasional whack-a-thon doesn’t mean he thinks less of you, or is going into the bedroom with unrealistic expectations.

We all want to be the only woman in a man’s life, but it’s not realistic to try and control his fantasies.

Just like he can’t rob us of our dreams of Hugh Jackman in a tiny towel, you can’t rob him of Jenna Jameson taking a Jackson Pollock on her face.

Don’t deprive a man of an innocent fantasy even if you’d be willing to give up your own.

After all, equality and trust are what relationships are all about.

-Samantha R. Gold