Shooting Cupid

There is an unspoken consensus that all single people hate Valentine’s Day, and all couples love it.

Stores make tons of money selling roses, chocolate, and tacky underwear, and pharmacies pull out every pink and red greeting card they have. Restaurants whip out special menus loaded with such aphrodisiacs as oysters and wine, and sex shops make a fortune selling massage oils and feathers.

Everywhere across North America, people are celebrating the day of love.

It’s fucking pathetic!

I am all in favor of commerce, but as a distinguished member of the singles’ community, I am fed up with a holiday that does nothing but make most of us miserable.

Dane Cook once described being single as being out in the rain, watching a really great party through a window.

I’d take it a step further on Valentine’s Day.

While couples are enjoying their fancy meals and multi orgasmic sex, allow me to describe what Valentine’s Day is like for single people.

We wake up feeling pretty normal, until we see the flowers or chocolate that someone else got from their lover. Or someone wishes us happy Valentine’s Day, or we accidentally notice the tacky decorations, consisting primarily of cherubic cupids, and big tacky red hearts. We go about our day as usual, but as night falls, and loneliness hits, we become profoundly aware of our single status.

We go home, maybe order take out, or make a modest supper, and sit down to a book or TV show, profoundly aware of how alone we are. Maybe we’ll have a glass or six of whatever alcohol we have lying around, and listen to sad songs, or masturbate to internet porn. Some of us will head out to the bars desperately seeking human contact. Others will have one night stands, or turn to the person who treats us badly, but comes with a guarantee of good sex.

The end result is always the same.

Be it at the end of the evening, or in the morning when we wake up hung-over next to someone we shouldn’t have slept with, we always end up feeling bitter, empty, and alone.

And all because of what is essentially a commercial holiday.

I say a revolution is in store!

Lovers shouldn’t need a holiday as an excuse to eat good food and have multi-orgasmic sex!

Isn’t the spontaneous a lot more romantic?

Do we need an excuse to eat chocolate, and wear sexy lingerie?

It’s a free country, people!

We’re adults, and we can do whatever the hell we want!

People don’t need a special holiday to be nice to their lovers; they should be doing it all the time!

I know for married couples this can be difficult, but doing something sweet doesn’t take all that much thought. It can be as easy as a back rub on a rough day, offering to do a chore, chocolates, or good oral sex.

Why should you couples rely on a holiday to be nice to each other?

This holiday comes at the expense of so many good people, who just happen to be single.

I say do the charitable, kind, and noble thing, and help single people destroy this hurtful and dangerous holiday.

HELL

It isn’t even a holiday, because we don’t get time off for it!

So what the hell is the point?!!

It depresses the shit out of people, and gives restaurants an excuse to overcharge you for a bit of meat and potatoes.

I say a revolution is in store!

Down with Valentine’s Day!

Down with cupids, and hearts, and tacky greeting cards!

Let’s be nice to lovers EVERY DAY and shove this misery inducing event into the pages of history books along with human sacrifices and parachute pants!

WE CAN DO IT, PEOPLE!!!!

I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!

-Samantha Gold

3 Responses to “Shooting Cupid”