Suprise! I Hate You!

After having temporarily suffered through a major bout of writer’s block, I have accumulated a series of little rants inspired by one of my all time favorite comedians, George Carlin. This series attacks a group of people I consider society’s biggest nuisances, those that do nothing but irritate ordinary decent people and provide for fodder for writers like myself …so without further ado, I present to you:

If you’re a College or University student, or even a recent graduate, you know who I’m talking about; those lower middle class to upper class kids who resent themselves for having food, clothing and a good education. You can see them a mile away; on their heads they sport dreadlocks or headbands made of obscure pieces of cloth. They smoke large amounts of marijuana and wear clothes purchased in thrift shops, or from some third world country they’re determined to save.

As a bleeding heart Liberal and student of environmental ethics, I admire them for their dedication to saving the world. Nonetheless, I can’t for the life of me figure out why Neo Hippies think that to forgo bathing and wearing clean clothes will somehow help the starving nations of the earth. These are the same people that will protest what they consider the “merciless slaughter” of Turkeys on Thanksgiving because it offends their delicate, vegetarian sensibilities. I say delicate because the ones who do turn vegetarian or vegan are often skinny as toothpicks because they don’t like enough vegetables to make their dietary restrictions work. Meanwhile you never see them bitching about all the endangered species being hunted down, a much bigger concern considering that turkeys are bred exclusively for food. Furthermore you almost never hear them complaining about all the atrocities being committed against humankind, like for example, the massive number of gang rapes in Western and South Africa where such inhumanity is considered a viable tactic in psychological warfare. I’m all for social protest, but PLEASE, there’s got to be a cause one can yell and scream about that’s a little more worthwhile than the killing of a bunch of food animals. As far as I’m concerned, we humans need to prioritize; FIRST we bitch about ourselves, THEN we bitch about the crimes against humanity, THEN the endangered species, AND THEN, once you’re finished whining about those, and feeling really, REALLY generous, bitch about turkey murder, pig genocide, and the cruel massacre of chickens. The fact that these Neo Hippies don’t have anything better to bitch about than a few hunks of meat is evidence of how the drugs and lack of soap, water and deodorant has screwed up their thinking. They need to take a bath, buy some new clothes, and get their priorities straight!

The term JAP refers to a Jewish American Princess, the Jewish branch of this particular group of abominations to the female sex; however it is the group in its entirety that is the object of my aggression. I call them JAPs, because no matter what the religion, when it all boils down, these people are exactly the same. They are those spoiled, racist, selfish, stupid, women bread for marriage, consumerism, matrimonial frigidity, and adulterous nymphomania.

I realize that discussing this particular group is overkill after the merciless roast I gave them in my article on Blond Parenting. Nonetheless, until each and every one is entered into a comprehensive re-education program to cure them of their inherent idiocy and sheer bitchiness, no amount of harsh words will be enough. These people are ruthlessly mocked at different phases of their lives such as in Spike Lee’s recent film, The 25th Hour, and on Will and Grace through Megan Mullaly’s depiction of Karen, the alcoholic drug addict who has a heart attack at the thought of buying clothes without a designer label. The travesty is that our culture glorifies the younger versions of these despicable people via shows like MTV’s My Sweet Sixteen, a program in which stupid spoiled brats with spineless parents and lots of money have parties and knock people they’ve decided do not fit in with their insipid clique. They are the heirs to the corrupt aristocracies of the world, only their targets go beyond the bounds of the poor and helpless, including avid students, those over ninety pounds, and any woman embracing modern feminism.

To take the JAP line of thought for a second (and believe me when I say that I get headache doing this), Asians with the exception of the “Lucy Liu” variety, not to mention Latin Americans, and most blacks are a servant class; anyone over ninety pounds who can’t afford liposuction is fat, and a feminist is a lesbian. These women are the successes of the anti feminist backlash; a whole new brand of woman embracing submissiveness and stupidity in exchange for servants and designer clothes. They are bred to be high class prostitutes, nothing more. To these people, marriage is just a piece of paper. Its not about equality, love, or mutual consent, its about girls bred to give all of that up in favor of what they’ve been brainwashed into thinking is the ideal; clothes, jewelry, poodles, personal trainers, and children, if there are any, with nannies who will train them to be exactly like their parents. The girls will become ignorant whores; the boys will be trained to be suitable heirs skilled in the management of money, and in the art of pretending the opinions of women and minorities actually matter to them. These people are a sacrilege to everything modern Liberal democracies stand for, and THEY PISS ME OFF!

Before I begin, I feel the need to elaborate that the target of my anger is not all middle aged men. My anger is directed, more specifically, at those princes of the baby boom that now currently run society, attempting to indoctrinate perfectly decent young males into the notion that the interests of women and minorities are irrelevant to the greater good. It is these pricks who usually marry the JAPs, those mindless drones I attacked in my previous rant. They hire women and minorities for political reasons, hoping to delude a generation of younger idealists into thinking they will give the underprivileged members of society a chance to make it in the world.

The reality is that they do nothing for anyone but themselves, solidifying their power and that of their heirs. These are the men that further nasty rumors that the only way a woman can make it in business is by sleeping with someone higher up the ladder. You can identify them by their big cigars, expensive watches, suits, and large bellies. Their wives, if not of the airhead trophy variety, are the submissive Stepford wives; the ones that act like a perfectly normal human being until her husband walks in. As though triggered by a chemical reaction, the wife becomes a slave, her eyes are downcast, and she dutifully gives up her right to intelligent conversation to wait on her pig of a husband. These are the men schooled in the “yes Dear” variety of marital relations where the woman is kept in relative comfort so long as she pays him complete and utter obedience.


Unlike today’s accepted marital convention that a spouse has the unconditional right to tell their significant other when he or she is being an asshole, these men maintain, and will only marry, those women that accept the “husband knows best” bullshit popularized in such shows as I Love Lucy, Dick Van Dyke and Bewitched. They embrace the double standard that a husband can be adulterous, but a wife must be faithful, and do everything in their power to maintain it through siding with religious Conservatives like that odious Gerry Falwell.


These men are an abomination, and I drink a toast every time a corporation falls and these idiots go to jail for trying to screw over the little guy in the hope of lining their pockets. The fact that these guys ever get caught is proof, in my humble opinion, that there is still some justice in this world. To the people that make it their business to take these guys down, I salute you!

Webster’s dictionary defines the word prude as: person of excessive modesty. The fact that the dictionary calls it ‘excessive modesty’ is, I think, intrinsic to the point I am about to make in this next little rant.


I have no contempt for modesty. In fact, in most cases, I’d say it’s a virtue. It keeps you from pulling your shirt off at a party, or saying something about your sex life in front of your parents. Its extreme modesty I have a problem with, and while I realize that to many religious people, there is no such thing; I feel the need to draw a few lines and explain why these people piss me off.


I am an avid skier. One of my favorite hills is a small, run down place with a rusty chairlift, and a charming air of dilapidation called Mont Alta. Ski rentals and lift tickets at this place are obscenely cheap, and as a result, it is frequented by large numbers of religious people. I arrived at the hill one day to see a religious family readying themselves to mount the chairlift. The family’s father and two boys were dressed comfortably in ski pants, jackets and mitts. It was the sight of the daughter that had anger bubbling in my throat. She stood in her jacket, mitts, ski boots, and a LARGE billowy skirt that reached her ankles.

I like to think that I am a fairly understanding person, and I know that most religious people think that a woman in pants is immodest, but I thought this was a bit excessive. My friends of the same religion and level of observance I described agreed with me. If the girl was going skiing, she could have worn bulky ski pants without violating any codes of modesty. As an expert skier, even I get my skis caught in the occasional vine or bump of snow, leading to a nasty fall that could likely break my legs. If someone at my level has trouble in a pair of ski pants, can you imagine the accidents that could happen if the poor girl’s skirt got caught on a vine, or even her skis? Her idiot father and the prudery he indoctrinated her with forced the girl to risk compound fractures and even death every time she gets on a ski hill. You can be modest all you want, but all religions and codes of conduct provide exceptions to the rules if someone’s life is threatened. There are few exceptions to this rule in third world countries, but as the enforcers of such abominable rules do not accept the full humanity of women, I don’t recognize theirs.


This is the most extreme case of excessive modesty, but my beef extends beyond this to the people that try to push their code of modesty on to others.


When I bring this up, I have a few individuals in mind, my own siblings included. The more I’m around these people the more convinced I am that their prudery is a disease. It is these people that will veto any reference to love, sex, or reproduction in a discussion, even in cases where the talk is purely theoretical.

The tragedy of it is that a sizable chunk of these people aren’t religious. They’re just anal retentive prudes with no sense of humor. As far as I’m concerned, some quack with a ton of free time on his hands ought to get to work making a pesticide that comes in the form of a suppository. With any luck doctors will prescribe these things to all those prudes out there, particularly the ones in politics, and then we can shout a big hurrah, because we’ll FINALLY be able say that the bugs up their asses have died!

As I write this I am taking into account the fact that the population of North America is rapidly aging, and at the tender age of 22, I realize that I and all others in my age group are a minority. It is for this very reason that this rant needs to get out.


I’m all for respecting the elderly; I’m Little Miss Manners around my grandparents. I do most of the chores they ask of me, and I’ll even give up my seat on a crowded bus to a particularly weak looking senior citizen. That is, however, where I draw the line. Once again, I realize that the elderly are the majority in society; however, I do not believe that this gives them the right to be assholes towards everyone younger than they are.

Let me give a couple of examples.


One day, during my three year stint at McGill University I was weighted down with ten or twenty heavy books from the library with which I was going to write a term paper. I had a doctor’s appointment that day, and as I was coming from school, had to bring my fifty pound backpack with me. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m built like a twig and though muscular, my back isn’t made of steel, so I took a seat on a fairly crowded bus. A few stops later, an elderly lady in bright red coat with matching purse got on and looked at me as though expecting that I would give her my seat. I had a heavy backpack and all she had was a tiny purse, so I kept my seat. Within seconds she turned to the person next to her and began the In MY DAY we RESPECTED OUR ELDERS speech, without even bothering to confront me. On any other day I would have let her blatant display of ageism and disrespect slide, but I was exhausted, weighted down, and on my way to the gynecologist’s office (something that puts all women in a bad mood), so I turned to her and told her that this bag of mine was heavy and she could have my seat if she was willing to carry it.

She thought that my giving her a seat was more important than sparing me the back problems standing on a bus with a heavy bag would cause in my old age. I’ll admit that calling her an old whore was overkill, but I was tired, and I’m a big believer in the notion that respect goes both ways. It is that despicable, selfish, self important attitude so many seniors have that causes so many young people to drop the courtesies they would otherwise extend. They treat every one else like crap, thinking that they deserve to be treated like the salt of the earth because they’re older. Well, I hate to break to you Grandma, but an old fool is still a fool, despite what the storybooks say.


Another example I can draw, and I realize that I’m being more than a little unfair here, is that of the elderly trying to push sexist standards on a younger generation upon whom they no longer apply. I was sitting at the dinner table at one of my boyfriend’s family gatherings when I overheard a discussion among the men and wanted to join in. When I tried to make a contribution, my boyfriend’s ninety year old grandmother had the temerity to shush me. I try desperately to take this woman with a grain of salt, after all, she was raised in a small village where women didn’t speak or participate in meaningful discussions at the dinner table. Sorry, but that rule does not apply to me. I have an education, am up to date on political and social affairs, and while competent in the kitchen I’d rather put a gun to my head than become the barefoot, pregnant housewife this old woman was indoctrinated into believing is the ideal. I realize that in her time women didn’t speak at the table because they were barred from having an education that would allow them to do so. However, to all the seniors out there who try to impose that standard upon me, you can take that apron and stick it up your ass!

These selfish, self important senior citizens need a wake up call. They need to realize that times have changed, and the young won’t kowtow to them without being respected in turn. That means no shushing, no bad mouthing, and anything else ordinary decent people would not appreciate. Respect goes both ways, and if seniors don’t learn to give it, all the younger generation will appreciate them for is the fact that they’re going to die a hell of a lot sooner than they are!