Sympathy for the Devil

There is an assumption in the society in which we live that “feminist” is synonymous with lesbianism, and a hatred of men and family.


It just occurred to me, after watching TJ Dawe’s one man show at the Montreal Fringe festival that this has as much to do with the changing definition and expectations for men, as they do for women.


After writing so much about what aggravates me as young woman struggling against a society trying to determine which old values to keep in the face of modernity, I will now turn my attention to MEN.


I love men.


I love how they smell, the texture of their skin, and the feeling of their stubble on my palm. I love the way a man’s butt looks in a pair of jeans, the breadth of their shoulders, the strength in their backs, and the feel of their hands.


I’d go into further detail, but I think I’ve objectified the opposite sex quite enough for now, and being branded a slut is not on my to-do list.


In the old days, the rules were simple.


The man most capable of beating the crap out of all the other men was considered superior.


Then the notion of wealth was tacked on. The man that had the most stuff: livestock, real estate, precious minerals, and women, AND could beat the crap out of all other males, either by himself or with the help of an army of supporters, was the alpha male, the one all the others aspired to be.


We women had it easy by comparison.


All we had to do was shut up, bow down, and spread our legs to whomever our fathers selected as husbands for us. It was no picnic, as we weren’t allowed to HAVE sex much less enjoy it without grievous consequences, EVERYONE was telling how useless and pathetic we were, and men could rape, beat, maim, and murder us with impunity, but at least our roles were simple and clearly defined so we didn’t have to think. If we were lucky, we ended up widows, nuns, or dead at a young age.


For men, it’s never been that simple.


Now I can’t say for sure, as I am of the fairer sex, so I am just going to call it as I see it, and hopelessly argue that I actually sympathise.


Since Cain and Able, life has always been one gigantically exhausting pissing contest.


Whether you men were at the top of the social ladder or the bottom, you always had to worry about some bigger, tougher guy coming and taking your wealth, and beating the shit out of you. The only thing you could rely on was that no matter how shitty the circumstances, you men were always considered a cut above us poor females. You didn’t have to pleasure us during sex, and you could treat us worse than you would a food animal with little or no consequences.


Then we feminists, modernists, and gay rights advocates came along and fucked it all up.


You’re welcome.

You can’t beat the shit out of ANYONE anymore because you’ll get thrown in jail, and you can’t rape them either. You can’t acquire wealth and prestige the way you used to, by getting some of your friends together, clubbing someone on the head, and running off with it; you have to EARN it.


You want to prove yourself by showing your prowess beating the shit out of someone?


You become a cop, or join the army, or become an Ultimate Fighter or boxer.


Those are your options, end of story.


And with the exception of the latter two, you’re not guaranteed a great salary or that much prestige… unless you’re American and served overseas.


Now you men are not only praised for giving us pleasure during sex, you’re EXPECTED to.


We feminists have managed to mould modern sexual discourse just enough so that it’s not only an obligation to make us come, it’s a matter of pride, another means of proving your manhood and showing your worth to the rest of world.


We’ve made it look like such a challenge that only a worthy man can achieve it. I don’t know many men who haven’t heard of the G-spot, or the clitoris, or cunnilingus. You read Cosmo and Maxim magazine, and paw through the contents because they advertise columns claiming to know the secret of the female orgasm.


Don’t deny it, boys, I’ve seen you do it.


You’re no longer expected to HAVE children anymore, but you’re certainly expected to WANT them. Men are expected to be sensitive and attune to their partners’ feelings, and the ones who are not are deemed unworthy of intimate relationships of any kind.


Suddenly, like us women, you’re also expected to adhere to certain irrational body standards.


Fatties and baldies are OUT, and big, circumcised penises and six packs are IN.


You’re not held to physical standards anywhere near as demanding and arbitrary as the ones women are stuck with, but because it’s a problem that directly affects you, you have leapt into action. You try to overcompensate by featuring sitcom after sitcom pairing a hot chick with a selfish, overweight, ignorant slob. You plug the TV with shows like Family Guy, King of Queens, According to Jim, and the Simpsons, and hail the most unattractive Porn Star, Ron Jeremy a.k.a The Hedgehog because he’s overweight, hairy, and STILL gets to fuck some of the hottest women on the planet.


I don’t blame you for it.

Women are forced to do the same thing every day when facing the men like the assholes featured in my previous article, Deconstructing Misogyny (and the slime ball who posted the first comment). Unfortunately, we don’t have the same resources to fight it… but that’s a whole other story.


In addition to all the new bullshit, you have to deal with the old.


Since behaviour that once defined you as men is now considered vulgar by modern, Liberal democratic societies, you’re stuck, for though you men are no longer EXPECTED to engage in such behaviour, you’re still considered PRE-DISPOSED to it.


That being said, I will go over some typical male stereotypes.

As soldiers, you’re considered to be disposable, expendable; another resource society can use to fend off the enemy. It doesn’t matter who you are or how you died, your loss will never be as heavily mourned as that of a woman who died in the same conflict.

When it comes to sex, there is an assumption that your primary goal is your own pleasure, and that you don’t want or expect love or a relationship afterwards.


Your love making is considered to be selfish and entirely one sided.


You’ll demand a blow job, but won’t return the favour. When you do go down, you won’t deliver the female orgasm. You will request anal sex, but scream like a little girl if she wants to fuck you with a strap on. You’d masturbate all day if you could, and think that an anorexic woman with bleached hair, a waxed cunt, balloon-sized breasts AND a low IQ is the feminine ideal. You think there is nothing hotter than two women having sex, and that all straight women have bi tendencies. If someone suggests that all MEN have bi tendencies, you clam up and get all defensive and macho, and sometimes even violent.


You’re often compared to pigs, apes, and cavemen, and considered prone to rape, violence, grunting, and flinging feces at each other. When you’re imitated by comedians and women alike, it usually features voices suggesting an IQ in the negatives… or severe mental retardation. The only humour you can appreciate is dick and fart jokes, and wit and intelligence are deemed lost to your inferior male intellect.


You’re considered selfish, immature, hypocritical, and greedy in every aspect of your lives.

Comedians like George Carlin, a man, will even go insofar as to suggest that the only reason you go to war in the first place is because you think the opposing country might have a bigger dick than yours. To further this argument, they point to the fact that all missiles are in the shape of a penis, and a rifle is considered an extension of your dick. Your biggest fear is that someone has a larger penis than you. If he does, you’ll do everything in your power to get back at him in some way, either by stealing his wealth, his job, or his woman, or simply beating the shit out of him or having him killed.


You’re expected to like aggressive sports, poker, and prefer beer to any other beverage.


You don’t read books, you watch movies, and those films are either action or war flicks.


Your ideal Sunday is spent on your ass in front of the television stuffing your face with snack food. You won’t lift a finger to do a chore, you can’t cook anything but BBQ, and you will never ask for directions.

That being said, I understand why you feel the need to call egalitarians nasty names and accuse us of man hating. It also explains why you’re so defensive, and often homophobic.


You’re frustrated, plain and simple.


Society is feeding you millions of contradictory messages, and you have no clue as to how to deal with it.


Be sensitive, but not TOO sensitive, or you’re not a real man.


Be dominant and aggressive in bed, but still attune to a woman’s pleasure.


Be groomed, but not TOO groomed.


Read Cosmo, but be sure to look at manly magazines like Maxim, Playboy, or Hustler.


Be a gentleman, but if a woman wants to pick up the check or open the door for herself, shut up and let her, or you’re a sexist pig. Don’t comment on a woman’s body, or you’ll be accused of sexual harassment. Pretend NOT to notice, and you’re considered an insensitive jerk.


Drink BEER, NOT COCKTAILS, and if you do, stick to something manly, like a martini, shaken, not stirred; a gin and tonic, vodka soda, rum and coke, or screwdriver. Anything with a cherry or umbrella is strictly a no-no unless you’re a tourist in the Caribbean.


Like sports, and poker, and hanging out with the guys, but be willing to sit through a chick flick with a woman. Do not LIKE, or ADMIT TO LIKING these chick flicks. If you’re watching one, it’d better be to get into her pants.


Be well read, but never be caught reading female authors, especially Margaret Atwood or Maya Angelou, or you’re not a real man.


Don’t beat up on people, but know how and be able to do so in a crisis.


The fact of the matter is that you’re confused, conflicted, frustrated, and angry. You men are desperately trying to define yourselves in a world that keeps changing the definitions.


All I can say is…

No wonder you take it out on feminists, gay rights activists, and modernists, claiming that we’re to blame to for all this confusion.


And you know what?


You’d be right.


But tough luck.


That’s the way it is.


What can you do about it?


Well first of all, we the genders should stop emphasizing our differences, and try to focus more on what we have in common. We all have hands, and feet, and arms, and legs, and minds capable of thinking for ourselves.


It isn’t much, but for the sake of putting an end to all this confusion and hostility, I’d say it’s a pretty good start.


Obey the law, and do your own thing, and let’s work from there.


For all the flak that Star Trek gets, the film First Contact came with some very valuable advice:


“Don’t try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgment”


I think all of us, male or female, could benefit from doing just that.

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