The Clean Break

I’ve written articles on relationships between lovers, and exes, and the difficulties involved.

That being said, I admit that I’ve been avoiding that annoying thing that comes in between Complicated Relationships and the Ex Factor.

After yelling at my dear friend to get off his ass and do the deed, I’ve decided to dedicate an entire piece to that tedious job we call “The Breakup”.

Breakups happen for a variety of reasons.

He could be a cheating whore, she could be a thief, or his family could be abusive. You might have found someone better, or you’ve reached that point where you realize you’re too young to tolerate mediocre sex and substandard conversation.

Whatever the reason, a breakup should be handled the same way you take off a band-aid.

Do it quickly.

It will sting at first, but you’ll both be better off in the long run.

Drag it out, and it will hurt like a bitch, and possibly become a pus infested mess.

Take this friend I mentioned.

His present girlfriend cheated twice, and regularly steals from him. He has already found someone better, and yet he continues to drag out his farce of a relationship. The more he puts it off, the more exhausted and frustrated he gets, despite the joy his new love brings.

I told him to stop being such a chicken shit.

Get the break up over with, and don’t bother with long speeches. Sure, it might make you feel better, but if there’s any animosity, the person will stop listening after you say “it’s over”.

Keep it short and simple.

You’re a cheater and it’s over works just fine, as does any variation therein.

If you care about the person, then use this speech my Dad dictated to me when I was putting off my last breakup.

“(Insert name here), the thrill is gone… And we’ve gotten to a point in the relationship where we have to decide whether we want to spend the rest of our lives together or move on. I’ve thought about long and hard, and I’m sorry…”

That’s all you need to say.

It applies to all breakups.

It neatly sums the reason for breaking up, without going into painful detail. If the person asks for specifics, don’t give them. This is the speech you use if you care, and any other reasons will just break hearts, and bring tears and guilt trips you don’t need.

And yes, using a canned speech is pretty cold, but most of us can’t say that well.

Case in point: I needed my Dad to tell me what to say.

Don’t put off the breakup.

The second you realize it’s over, you need to grow a backbone and do it.

The more you drag it out, the more likely you are to show your future ex an ugly side of yourself. And I’m not talking about what you look like after a night of binge drinking, I’m talking about that evil part that fantasizes about bludgeoning the jerk talking on his cell phone in the library. The more you put off the break up, the more likely you are to do and say things you’ll regret when you finally do it.

You don’t need to feel guilty, and you certainly don’t need the frustration and grief that comes from a relationship that should have ended ages ago.

Breakups can be as painful and scary as a wisdom tooth extraction, but you can get through it. Do it quickly, and you’ll lessen the pain.

In the long run, you’ll feel a lot better.

I guarantee it.

-Samantha R. Gold