The Mating Game

The art of finding a mate is a complicated one.

Humans all over the world, whether gay or straight, have to figure out how to get from point A, THE MEETING, to point B, SEX, or if you’re old fashioned, MARRIAGE.

The old fashioned types have it easy.

Traditionalist East Asians, religious Muslims, and Orthodox, Chasidic, and Lubavitch Jews will often turn to a matchmaker or their parents, who will come up with a list of potential mates. Some don’t have a choice. It’s arranged, and you cross your fingers and hope for happily ever after. In other cases, it’s kind of like a buffet.

You get to meet and sample the personalities and values of a variety of mates and then an offer is transmitted. If there is an acceptance, you get hitched, and work out the nuances of sexual compatibility and love later on. If not, you get to go right on sampling (everything but sex) until you find the right meal to suit your taste and personality.

We modern folk, on the other hand, are stuck in that ever complicated cock teasing game we call “dating”.

The act of dating is another euphemism for finding a missing person.

We date because we’re looking for somebody.

We feel a void that can’t be filled by friends or family, and resign ourselves to the fact that we have to get off our asses and start looking.

We’re not all looking for the same thing.

Some of us want sex; some of us want a husband, wife, or partner, and still others, like me, are looking for something that combines the screaming orgasm with something a bit kinder than the traditional “That was fun, now get the fuck out!”.

Whatever it is we’re looking for, we all go about it the same way.

Society’s misogynistic and lonely will seek mail order brides, hoping to find a submissive vessel for their domestic abuse in the impoverished women of Asia and the former Soviet Union. (A great documentary on the subject is Say I Do by Arlene Ami, a family friend and the writer/director).

Some go to bars, and coffee shops, and parties, and put themselves in the path of the first appetizing option they see. Others, like myself, whose schedule and lifestyle do not make for fertile mating grounds, go on the internet and cross our fingers that we won’t attract rapists, psychopaths, crotchety old people, or the morbidly obese.

Those seeking something a bit more particular will turn to websites like Bondage.com where they can flash their cock and pussy shots at will.

But whether we’re meeting someone online or in a bar, the tactics remain the same when we get to the actual date.

Smile, dress nice, and be freshly showered.

Make some sort of effort with your hair, and make sure you smell good.

Girls have to seem intelligent, but not enough to intimidate.

Guys have to show interest without coming off as wanting only sex.
Ladies want to seem attractive but not easy, and men want to be good enough to sleep with without seeming overeager.

There is a balance attempted, and it involves doing everything but being upfront.

And having been on more than my share of dates, good and bad, I can’t help but wonder why we have to treat dating like a game.

In age of books like He’s Just Not that Into You, why can’t we just be up front about what we want?

The easy answer is that we don’t know what we want, but that’s not entirely true.

Most of us have some vague idea of what we’re looking for, but we’re too chicken shit to be up front.

Women like me scare the shit out of perfectly decent men because my so called sisters are too busy practicing the “Geisha look”, hoping that men will magically read their minds and declare undying love.

Perfectly decent men, on the other hand, are written off as assholes in return for their honesty.

The way I think it, this dating game needs a little reinventing.

I’m not saying that we should handle romantic attachments the same way we would a business arrangement.

I’m all for dressing up, exaggerating your levels of hygiene, and painting your face to look nicer than real life. Dating is a masquerade that’s not about hiding yourself so much as hiding the uglier parts.

Those ugly bits are saved for relationships.

When we look good, we feel better, more confident, and that allows us to put on our best front for a potential mate.

Go on the date and meet the person.

Strike up a conversation based on the little you know about them, or ask questions, saving the sexual ones for later.

This is easy for people who’ve met their date online or on the phone.

If you’re meeting a person in a bar, and have never spoken to them before, don’t bother with pathetic pick up lines like: “If I said you had beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” or “Can you be my candy bar, so I can lick your nuts?”

Most will laugh it off and walk away.

A smile and a hello will often do the job.

Strike up a conversation.

If it falls dead for more than five minutes and you’re hearing crickets, move on. If you can’t stand the person, apologize, and move on. If you’re just looking for sex, that’s the time to say so.

A response one way or the other will save you a lot of trouble.

If the conversation goes well, it’s time to lay your cards on the table.

Rather than blowing your time on pointless analysis of the other person’s behavior, be up front about what you want and what you’re looking for. Even if it’s something as innocuous as wanting to see the person again, summon some courage and say so.

Waiting by the phone makes idiots of us all, and we’ve been doing it far too long.

It’s time to grow a backbone and create a new game based on honesty and efficiency.

Once you’re past all that awkwardness, let romance and fun rule the day.

-Samantha R. Gold

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