THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO SEE

PARIS HILTON BURNED AT THE STAKE

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. She can’t act, she can’t sing, she can’t model, and she can’t fuck. I’ve seen footage from her sex video and got more aroused watching Roseanne Barr eating doughnuts in the 1989 film She-Devil. She serves no fucking purpose except to taint societal consciousness with her feverish and wholly undeserved ego.

An speaking of undeserved egos…

DICK MASTERSON SLOWLY NEUTERED WITH A BLOWTORCH

Dick Masterson is the infamous blogger and author of Men are Better than Women.

Unlike most writers, myself included, who actually make arguments, all this guy does is rant.

His book and blog include such idiotic comments as “Men invented electricity” (anyone who’s seen a bolt of lightning knows that one is bullshit) and “watching a woman park makes my nads hurt”. Bad grammar aside, this guy’s a prick, a coward, and like neo-nazis and other hate mongers, he is a danger to society because major media figures give him a forum. By promoting the notion that women are so far beneath men, he is encouraging rape, spousal abuse, gender selective abortions, and infanticide based on sex.

I think a fitting punishment would be to have him writhing in pain as a blowtorch slowly melts away that which defines him as a man.

AN APPRENTICE CONTESTANT STICKING IT TO DONALD TRUMP

When I say stick it, I mean display the man’s stupidity by pointing out that when he utters the words “You’re fired”, he is in fact doing the impossible.

He can’t fire you.

Why?

Because you’re not an employee. Until you sign an employment contract and begin to receive a salary, you’re not an employee of Trump’s; you’re just an applicant applying for a job.

I say that if you’re really smarter than he is, and you probably are, it would feel really fucking good to point that a phrase he tried to copyright is just plain wrong.

He can’t fire you, because you don’t work for him.

He says this lame ass catchphrase to degrade you by asserting a power he doesn’t have.

Point it out, and stick it to the man.

Extra points if you run up and muss that ludicrous combover.

A MOVIE WHERE A PERKY BLONDE FAILS

Don’t give me any of this bullshit about blonds being the bad guys, because even when they are, they are always considered hotter, and more desired. Time and time again, perky blonds like the heroines in Legally Blond, My Best Friend’s Wedding (come to think of it, any film with Cameron Diaz in it)and Disney films like Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty end up living happily ever after, while the brunette is usually the pity case or the bad guy.

It’s only when she’s the pity case that she gets the guy.

It’s fucking disgusting.

The fact of the matter is, most of the world’s women are brunettes with dark eyes, and we’re all pretty sick and tired of society’s blonde fever. Give me a film where a perky obnoxious blonde gets out of high school and finds out you can’t make it on perkiness and hair colour alone. I want to see such a character so hard up she’s blowing rednecks for twinkies.

THAT, I would pay to see.

MORE FEMALE ROCK STARS

Why is it that talented female vocalists always end up doing dance music, pop, bubblegum, punk (which I actually like), or that vomit inducing crap Celine Dion tries to pass off as music? We haven’t had decent female rock stars since Melissa Etheridge and Courtney Love, the latter of which I am convinced is already dead and powered by electrodes held together by her groupies.

I bet the poor dears are getting tired of being the genre’s sole female representatives.

I want to see some kick ass women to carry on the legacies of Janis Joplin, Joan Jett, Stevie Knicks, Alannah Miles, and Melissa Etheridge and Courtney Love.

And I’m sorry, but Gwen Stefani and Avril Lavigne don’t count. Why? Because the former did a duet with that no-talent-penis-head Moby, and the latter has allowed her songs to be remixed into bad dance numbers.

I’m the writer here, I make the rules.

PARENTS ADMITTING THAT HILARY DUFF, BRITNEY SPEARS, AND LINDSAY LOHAN ARE BAD ROLE MODELS

I don’t think I need to explain this one, I will however add that their music stinks.

HOLLYWOOD TURNING AGAINST TOM HANKS

I’ve never seen a more overrated actor. I think it’s time someone started throwing pies at his pristine image. He’s not that good an actor, and he tries too hard to come off as the “super middle aged white guy” in movies. Hollywood has taken chunks out of other like actors such as Tim Robbins, and Sean Penn, who I might add, are more talented than he is.

I think Tom’s time has come.

DRUG FRIENDLY OLYMPIC GAMES

I know this one sounds kinda silly, but we have The Gay Games, The Special Olympics, and the regular Olympics.

I think the time for Drug friendly Olympic games has come.

Such an event would consist of sports in which competitors would be able to take as many drugs as they want.

It wouldn’t be too expensive to conduct, as I am sure major pharmaceutical companies would gladly sponsor the event. You could probably get chocolate and cereal companies to provide additional funds, as we all know snow boarders enjoy the occasional dose of Mary Jane and will need something for the munchies.

I don’t know about you, I think it’d be pretty fucking funny to see a male wrestler with bitch tits take down a guy with a steroid induced balloon head and tiny, raisin-like testicles.

You could hold the summer events in Amsterdam, and the winter events in Canada or some other frozen country with lax drug laws.

Concerned about lawsuits and deaths?

Every sport entails a certain amount of risk, but if you’re really worried, have the athletes sign waivers, and, like the regular Olympics, make sure to have physicians and paramedics on the sidelines.

It would be immensely entertaining, and educational. Commentary would provide viewers with a comprehensive chemistry lesson regarding the drug cocktail of each competitor. Money would no longer be wasted testing athletes. There wouldn’t be as much stress for competitors who could joyfully giggle their way through a competition. It’d be a huge slap to the face to advocates of the War on Drugs, which we all know has been SO effective! (Please note the sarcasm).

We could call them “The Chemical Olympics”, or “The Druggie Games”, or invite some local stoner with a creativity complex to come up with something.

It’d be awesome!

AN END TO NEWS ARTICLES ABOUT PRINCESS DIANA

Maybe I’m just saying this because I didn’t give a shit the first time, but enough is enough!

She’s been dead TEN YEARS already!

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

BULLIES JAILED FOR THEIR CRIMES

I’ve said this in previous rants, but I’ll say it again. School bullies commit crimes like extortion, harassment, blackmail, vandalism, and assault. If adults committed these crimes they’d go to jail. I’m told that society’s experts on children are now taking the problem of bullying seriously.

It’s time to put their money where their mouth is.

Punish these kids the way you would any other criminal.

Put these fuckers in jail.

-Samantha R. Gold

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