:: THE MOST USELESS PLACE FOR NEWS ON THE WEB ::

Rally in small town America!

Once again in small town America, where nothing much appears to be going on, on the outside… Strange events had begun to occur once again, this time in the form of a rally, which was also unusually not related to tree cutting, gun toting or even anti-semantic nonsense. For in small town America, these events are commonplace and often protested by people from the larger towns of small town America.

Anyway, back to the news story… This rally was occurring and it revolved around something that no small town American citizen was ready to abide by at first sight, most of them were in fact up in arms blaming Korea, Iraq and various other spots in the Middle East for their plight.

This plight just so happened to be the rally of support for necrophilia, yes, dear reader, necrophilia. It seemed that a group of the stiff fuckers had decided to educate the small town American citizens of the sexual preference of these mysteriously clean and shaven corpse loving activists.

They held educational seminars, they held safe sex demonstrations, they held group therapy (which is really just a much less sickening way of saying a four on one necrophilia style gang bang).

AND BY GOD! How they loved it! They had at first believed that these mysteriously clean and shaven corpse loving fanatics were doing the devils work. They had believed the whole thing to be an aberration of GOD'S will, but they realized as they were slowly sucked into the demonstrations and group therapy that it could only be the opposite! Only GOD could have possibly delivered unto the world such a concept!

"No longer!" they realized, "No longer will we need to work tirelessly for sweaty explosive orgasms with the living!" they shouted with glee and excitement!

So the once feared necrophilia preference now became commonplace in small town America and spread down the road till cut off by an odd rise in bestiality. Yes gentle viewers, this reporter was witness to the entire event… Nothing strange about this however… No… Nothing… Go away… Leave me alone, stop staring… Fuck off!

Last week, a group of smokers got together and organized what is being called a "marathon-smoke-a-thon".  

It seems that not to long ago a group of people had gotten together in small Quebecois town to discuss a manner in which they could do their part for the community. However, they didn't want to do anything too common, they didn't want to just run like that Terry Fox guy, and they definitely didn't want to raise money through drugs, cause hey, it's been done.

"Well hey!" one of them cried out, "Why don't we smoke for cancer?!"

The poor fellow was quickly beaten and eviscerated for violating taste boundaries. The thought of smoking for cancer was just too ironic and tacky for this happy crew, however… Smoking didn't sound so bad. So they thought about whom they really wanted to help. Aboriginal rainforests and sick and orphaned kids were out as they hated kids and were employed by various conglomerates for the sole purpose of destroying trees because they could.

 So they decided that they'd help out their good pal Christ with some funding, not that he needed it or anything, but no one would bother them for smoking if they did it for Christ.

So, they began the "Smoke-a-thon/walkathon for Christ!" along the way it just so happens that they also added many generous people to the cause. The system was as follows: For every block walked they smoke a cigarette and you give them a buck, they smoke half a pack and you give them two bucks, and if they smoked the whole pack you give them five bucks.

Now, they got about as far as Toronto before their lungs began to become black and putrid, and good for little more than storing feathers and making pillows. So naturally, they needed nourishment, they were tired and hungry. Sadly, their only source of food was cheap Toronto cuisine, and they choked it down as best they could. They had also developed many tumors along the way from the mass consumption of cigarette smoke, but they didn't mind, and neither did anyone else, cause they were smoking for Christ!

And then they died.

Now, there was a rather large disappointment born of this seeing as how it was all going so well and Christ could now attain no funds. "But wait!" said a random pedestrian, "Their lungs! Their lungs can be pillows and we can give them to orphans and sick kids!" and the smokers, they rolled in their respective graves! They hated kids, they wanted nothing to do with kids! Yet the lungs became kids pillows! They prayed to Christ every night on them, Christ was happy, kids were happy, everyone did the happy dance for the dead smokers, but, "Nooo!" they screamed as they rolled around in their graves, this was nothing how they had envisioned it! This was nothing like what they had smoked for!

Was this marathon a failure, or a success? You be the judge.

FRNEWS Reporter, "August"

In other news, PowerSauce is great!

It seems that recently a retarded man who had won a gold medal at the Special Olympics, less than six hours after winning his prize had buried the medal in his backyard. The motivation behind the burying of his prize had been a mystery to men and women of all attractive ages… So, a group of scientists was quickly formed, from their formation came a great study of the retarded community.

Attempts at observing them in isolation had proved futile, so, they were quickly transferred to an environment that would be more than likely to fill them with childlike glee.

Naturally this place was a public transit bus. So for quite some time they were left to their own devices under close undercover surveillance. During this time, the scientists involved quickly accepted responsibility for any problems caused by the retards.

Luckily enough however, the damage and injury was limited to minor drooling upon the shoulders of others and the frightening of small children. 

Eventually the scientific community could shout out, "Eureka!" for a significant find had been found! It would be later proven that the motivation of retards could be proven! It seems that retards are motivated by…

Shoes! Yes, Shoes! The retarded live to talk about, buy, tie and even wear shoes! At one point the group huddled together and began giggling about how they all love them so much! This reporter, also witness to the scene was amused and shocked.

So dear readers, the mystery behind the motivation of retard actions is proven… Except for the whole thing about how the guy buried the medal in his backyard… Anyway, remember, we must not shun them because they are different, we must pass them a fucking shoe so that they'll bugger off!

FRNEWS Reporter "August"

After the recent return of Koivou, a hockey player that makes too much money, the Canadian nation and the various small towns scattered about the U.S began praying in some kind of twisted unison for leukemia! God happily obliged the misled prayers and quickly induced upon them leukemia! Once God had finished inducing leukemia, doctors dropped there rubber duckies and ran into the streets and danced a happy dance for leukemia, danced a happy dance for god! "Praise Leukemia!" they said, "And praise God!" they also said with glee… Soon after God saw their reaction, he decided that the popularity was so great that he induced MORE cancer! The doctors all shouted out as they saw them one by one, "Praise Melanoma!" and then another, "Praise testicular cancer!" and then another and another. It was reported that by twelve a.m the cancer had pretty much become sentient in the nation of Canada and the small towns of the U.S and is slowly taking over.

And so, Koivou has been a true inspiration to the world and benefactor to the doctors, and hell, even God received a piece of the action (he answered so many prayers that night his popularity is sky rocketing). So dear readers, remember, the cancer lives on and on.

-FRNEWS Reporter "August"

    The evil that has become Woolie has spread all over the world. Now Woolie toke over the fashion industry. Woolie is posing far and wide. What will become of the the dread headed black typhoon? Maybe get a girl friend?

Comments? Rate? 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10